You already know the drill. Meet someone new, get attracted, slowly get drunk on and fall in good old ‘love’ and then after 3 days or 3 weeks or 3 months, like rats out the hole, the flaws starts to show its ugly head. Then the misunderstandings, the withdrawal and the bottled up frustration of second guessing your choice, the quarrels and fights, the fear of letting go, of moving on, of losing ‘love’. ‘Love’ is one helluva high.
Beyond personality flaws in the numerous breakups of today’s courtship, factors like money and social acceptance are becoming key components of ‘love’ and unlike in times past, flirting is so much easier once the initial excitement of a new relationship wears thin because, social media bombard our lovers with what they are missing out on in relationship style and gives them something to compare their love life to.
With comparisons of course come discontent and lesser commitments in ongoing relationships. The other partners’ nightmare before eventual breakup often leaves them emotionally wounded and sometimes, this lays the foundation for the walls people build around their hearts –walls that isolates and make them dangerous to themselves because it puts them in the same position of weakness when they are ready to date again. They are not any closer to the root of the problem and are likely to suffer the same fate.
What disarmed and made you an easy target in the first instance? Did love make you weak or were you blindly led by seduction? The process of seduction in relationships revolves around giving a person hope but never giving satisfaction. The power of seduction to a player is that they possess you while you play the hopeless romantic. They are free and you, well, are trapped in the prison of insecurity because deep down you know a fear that the emotion of love is changeable and that through seduction, your emotional attachment has made you powerless and only a pawn to be replaced as soon as you no longer satisfy the self-serving interest of those you love.
When you meet a swordsman, draw your sword. When you fall for seducers, don’t sing a love tune. Train yourself to close your eyes to what you can see and open them to what you can’t see. Go beyond your own feelings and think your way into other people’s mind: what is their hidden motive and interests? Answers to these questions not only give you actual power to guard your heart against the painful side of seduction but also opens an avenue for you to deceive, seduce and control pretend lovers –the pleasures of seduction. You don’t need to build walls you only need to guard your heart.
If you do not guard your heart diligently, it will hopelessly search for love in every person and blindly seek for it in every shade of relationship. A married colleague once told me “You don’t find ‘love’ outside marriage.” The now popular opinion that love is almost non-existent was born out of searching for a good thing in the wrong place and with the wrong idea. Some might argue that even in marriages love is scarcely found and considering the divorce figures out there, they rightly stand to be corrected.
The wrong idea because writers of movies, novels and songs want us to believe in the concept of ‘the one’. But there is no such thing as ‘the one’. Anyone who meets your most important needs can become your ‘one’. It is a matter of choice and in this regard, everyone is a free lady or man irrespective of relationship status. Understand this: ‘Love’ is under no binding obligation to be mutually felt in relationships yet to be joined in marriage. Even in marriage, You’d get seriously hurt if you take things to serious. Save yourself the stress.
The wrong place simply because, to call a spade a spade, fornication and seeking love (or fun?) outside marriage are five and six –get heartbroken at your own risk if you don’t find love there and because God forgives you doesn’t make it right for you to blame Him. A relationship is not the destination: it points the way to the destination. With the right perspective, relationships provide a practical opportunity to learn about ourselves. Are you too clingy, controlling, possessive, talkative, insecure, incapable of independence, selfish etc? If the destination is marriage, then you may want to look less for love in relationships and use it more to work on your weaknesses.
It may not be perfect, but love is a good thing. Not even the high divorce figures can change this fact. In a class of fifty, forty may fail a subject. That doesn’t make the subject impossible to pass. In the midst of many failed marriages, there are couples celebrating 10, 20, 30 even 40 years of marital bliss together. To make love work for you it’s necessary to first know and love yourself then also know who you love. It is even more important to accept that love is not perfect and like success, it takes sacrifice, patience, hard and intelligent work to make it look perfect.
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